My lost life

... happy birthday to you...

2011-12-05T18:30:00.003-05:00

It's dark, gloomy, and wet outside; the one weather I would hate to have on this day. The best part is, the one person I care so much about and wanted to be there for me today didn't even wish me a happy birthday, nor did he even talk to me at all. What a great fucking 18th birthday.

... with a big fake smile and stupid lies...

2011-12-01T01:54:00.002-05:00

I'm okay, everything's going to be alright. I'll definitely be okay because I'm strong...

is what I whisper to myself whenever I come face to face with my own reflection. I look into my own eyes through the mirror and think, 'Why did I have to go through all of the shit that happened to me?' I really do wonder why. What have I done to deserve all of this? Why do I have to go through so much pain and suffering? Why can't I forget and move on?

Even after all this time, my heart still pounds painfully against my rib cage. The rapid beating reminding me of all the horrible memories of those days, where people I cared so much for threw me aside like I was trash.

... let it snow, let it snow, let it snow...

2011-11-23T14:25:00.002-05:00

After all this time, there is finally snow here in Ottawa (: I'm so excited for the holiday season to begin! Decorating the place, an ever-green tree; Oh, I can't wait!

I absolutely love the winter holiday season. It's the only season that makes me feel happy. I just love turning on the TV and seeing Christmas specials on. I love how everyone's always so generous and kind during this season, and I just love shopping with friends and family at this time. The Christmas season always puts me in a giddy mood and I'm always so much happier.

Snow. I love it. Especially when it snows at night. It's a fantastic and gorgeous sight. Last night while I was studying away for my Psychology and Chemistry midterms on Thursday, I look out my window and see snow falling, with the streetlights dimly lit. It was an amazing sight. It was so mesmerizing, that I forgot to take a picture ): Maybe tonight, the same sight will be shown. But then again, nothing will be the same when it comes to snowfall. Every snowfall is unique, yet every single one of them are beautiful sights.

I cannot wait to start decorating my residence unit with my roommates and catch up with my friends back in high school. I miss them dearly. I would love to spend this holiday with them since I barely see them now that I'm all the way in Ottawa ):

I cannot contain all my joy for this upcoming season. It is so very exciting! I cannot express how I feel, for this happy feeling is one like never before. I'm always so depressed during the year, but not now. I am so looking forward to Winter break and this holiday season (:

I would rather be single during this season, than be in some sort of relationship. I get to spend time with family and friends, then spend all my time with my 'partner'.

And so, I will be happily skipping about with the rest of the first term of my first year of University, and counting down the days until I'm free from exams ! (:

... and so you're stuck inside my memories...

2011-10-30T13:24:00.002-04:00

Fake a smile and greet everyone with a simple lie. Lies. That's all I've been spurting to everyone these days. I laugh, but there's no emotion behind it. I smile, but with no real intentions. I truly have perfected my fake happiness look.

Why am I so fake? Why do I do this? Some reading this may think I'm doing this to gain attention. Am I really? I'm not so sure myself. I sit and stare at nothing, wondering, 'What am I doing?' Alas, I never came up with an answer.

What do I really wish to gain from being so fake? People are right, in thinking I want to gain attention. I want someone to be able to notice, to be able to see through my façade. I want someone who can see the real me, not what I've put up.

I've built a wall throughout the years, hoping that maybe one day, someone can knock it down. So many a times, I've let the walls fall for someone I trusted. Never again will I ever let my wall down. Never again will I trust someone so easily.

This isn't what I really want, but it's something I have to do in order to protect myself. I will continue life, faking a smile, forcing a laugh, until someone can see through it. But will there ever be someone that can? I really wonder, but I'll just continue living like I always do, wishing, hoping that there will be.

DUM SPIRO SPERO

While I Breathe, I Hope

- Support Dir en grey and their campaign, SCREAM FOR THE TRUTH. scream4truth.com

... there is nothing i do better than revenge...

2011-08-10T19:18:00.003-04:00

I'm not one to say stuff like this but,

Bitch, got what you deserved.

Really, I'm so not the type of person to say this, but this girl really does deserve the worst possible shit that's coming/have come to her. Acting all sweet to gain attention. I can't believe I considered her a friend to begin with. Telling me she was there for me, but then went behind my back and flirts with a guy that I really liked. Really? Are you fucking serious? I just told you all the shit he did to me, poured my heart out to you, and you backstab me?

I know I shouldn't let a guy come between a friendship, but that was the last straw. It's not the first time you ignored me just so you can talk to a guy. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one to think this. You are a manipulative, backstabbing, two-faced slut.

You say that this other guy is your boyfriend, but then you say it's a fling, and now you're "in love" with him, yet you go out with a different guy at the same time? Wow. Desperate much?

You've been complaining as to why I don't hang out with you enough? Now you know, not like you'll ever see this anyways. I don't tell people I know in real life about my blog. I'm too vulnerable on here.

Let me just say, I don't really have any friends. By friends, I mean people who are always there for me, when I need them and never abandon me. I'd say I have one person like that.

If something happens between a guy and I and I'm crying over it, everyone around me, close or not, always says "Forget about him, he's not worth it." or "You're too good for him." Fucking bullshit. You think I want to hear you say that? If you were really my friend, you would help me through this, not by degrading him, but actually try and get me to talk to you. People who degrade him, which is about 99.99% of people I know, I don't consider friends. I hate people that are biased like that. If you're going to degrade him, give me a fucking reason why you think that. Don't say "Because he hurt you." That is the most load of bullshit I have ever heard. In my life, there is only one person that has been there for me, never abandoning me, and never degrades the opposite party in my situations. He helps me, by giving advice on how to approach things. So overall, I'd say I have one friend.

Back to that girl. I really did consider her a friend, because she didn't degrade the guy. At first, I never thought anything of it, but found out why, as stated above.

Thanks a lot for flirting with the one guy that I fell in love with. You really do live up to what I have now labelled you.

Like I keep saying, I'm not the type of person to label people and say shit like this, but she has crossed the line and I can't stand it. I would so love to tell this to your face, but I know I'm never going to associate myself with you after I leave for University, so there really is no point. It makes no difference to me.

I'm a VERY reserved, lonely person. So if I consider someone a friend, I'm very loyal to them. I never talk behind a friend's back, and I tell off people that talk shit about my friend(s). Most importantly, I have never in my life backstabbed anyone, and I don't plan on ever doing that.

I just needed to rant about something that has been bothering me for quite a while, so please excuse the terrible sentence structures, grammar, spelling, vocabulary, etc.

... and now you wish that you meant something to somebody else...

2011-07-01T21:32:00.002-04:00

Home alone on Canada day... how pathetic of me. This is when you know that I have no social life, nor do I have a romantic story. I'm just an anti-social, fresh-out-of high school, lonely girl that's been trying to mend her broken heart for the past few months by herself with anime, manga, dramas, fanfics, rpg's, and of course, ice cream. Yeah, I really am pathetic.

Happy Canada day, everyone.

... so come close, this is who we are...

2011-05-17T23:36:00.001-04:00

Wow, it's been so long since I've actually blogged. I blame school for the lack of updates in anything. I don't even have much of a social life anymore.
So much shit has happened throughout the past few months and I really do feel drained of all the energy in my body. No matter how much I sleep, I always feel tired. School is driving me insane, seeing as how it's close to the end of the school year, then I'm off to university. I'm always constantly thinking about my life problems and that adds more stress on myself. My adrenal glands are so not working.

I feel even more lost than I already was to begin with. I don't understand anything anymore. My life.. kind of sucks right now. In the small time frame of less than two months, I lost pretty much almost everything I cared about. I still do care, but I have to act as if I don't so people will stop bugging me. As of late, almost everyone is annoying the shit out of me. Especially people I felt as if I was close with. Everything they say kind of pisses me off.

I've been thinking a lot these past couple of months, and I realized how little I trust anyone. Everyone I thought i trusted ended up being people that care for just a second, then ignore my cries of help. As of now, I only trust one person. And even with this person, I don't feel comfortable telling them everything.

This year has been one of the worst years for me. I've drank a lot more at parties than I should, just like this past Saturday. I didn't get extremely drunk, but I still consumed more than I usually do. However, I did get a hangover the next day, which is strange because I never get hangovers. The best part was that I wrote my exam for Japanese class with that hangover (/sarcasm).

Shit. I haven't blogged in so long, I feel that this post is just a waste of time and my writing skills are declining, like an exponential function that's reflected off the x-axis. How horrible. I'm relating shit back to school material. I need a life.

On the other hand, music has always been something that made me just the slight bit content. I feel more people should listen to these bands as well. Just as a warning, they are rock/metal/indie/whatever-type music.

- Mother Mother has been that one band that can always mellow my mood whenever I feel like shit

- Dir en grey has been my favourite band for a very long time. The emotions Kyo displays through his voice always runs through my entire body

- Escape the Fate and Saosin are the two bands that can always make the corner of my lips twitch

- Our Last Night and Hopes Die Last are two bands that I listen to whenever I feel pissed off. They do scream in their songs, but that's what always calms me down.

I absolutely love Mother Mother and Dir en grey. These two bands are my absolute favourite.

I'll admit that I didn't really like Mother Mother at first, but after hearing their songs a second time, they started growing on me. Next thing I knew, I fell in love with their music.

I fell in love with Dir en grey the first time I heard their songs. Like I mentioned before, the emotions Kyo displays is so powerful that it just puts me in a trance everytime I listen to their music.

I'm so glad that these two bands exist, or else I don't think I would have been able to continue living. Yes, I did have thoughts of that, but I know I should continue living for the people around me. Someone close to me lost his life unfairly and by accident and I'm here thinking about ending mine on purpose. I know it's selfish, which is why I would never ever do it. I'll continue for him, everyone around me, and for myself.

Story updates:

None ): Right now, I'm really too busy to do anything. Sorry to disappoint (as if anyone actually reads these rants of mine).

.. I don't need "I love you" anymore, If only you'd stay forever by my side...

2010-12-13T21:09:00.003-05:00

The past few days have been confusing. I don't understand my emotions at all. I always knew what I want and had a reason for everything, or so I thought. Everyday seems like a normal day, but everytime I think about, my heart starts pounding. I would spend my whole day thinking about it. My stomach churns and my face heats up. But why am I just so confused? Why do I have to feel this way? I'm happy, but it hurts. Sometimes, I just want to break down and let my tears fall freely.

... will walk together, the future not promised

2010-11-26T17:41:00.002-05:00

I can't believe it's been 146 days since then. Life has been moving along for me. I can't believe I'll be graduating high school soon. I'm really unsatisfied with my marks right now. They're not really what I expected them to be. I guess I do deserve them since I'm not really making an effort. I'm really stupid for procrastinating this year. I guess I'll just stay back an extra semester or two to boost my average, if I'm not able to make it into University. Anyways, I recently started on a new story. It's about the GazettE and no, it's not a love story. It's about struggles and life. I'm not really sure if I should post it, seeing as how my main site is Quizilla. Quizillians seem to enjoy love stories more than other genres, so I guess I'll see how it goes. I probably won't be posting it up, but rather have some friends read it for fun. If I actually finish, that is. I have a tendency to stop in the middle of a working story because of my lack of motivation, and small attention span. This is why I usually only write one-shots. They're easier to focus on, in my opinion. I rant way too much about useless junk. However, this is my blog, so I have the right to rant to my hearts content :3 . As many people have noticed, I have lost almost all my love for J-pop and have moved back into J-rcok. I absolutely love the GazettE, Luzmelt, Dir en Grey, Versailles, and Miyavi right now. Recently on November 13 and 14, I went to an anime convention called Dot-Con. They had Luzmelt as their guest performers. Oh. My. Fucking. God. They were fucking amazing. Their stage presence and performances were so much better than crappy North American singers. They actually possessed the one thing most North American stars don't have, nowadays. That is talent. Yuhma, the lead singer, is one hell of a singer. The guitarist, Kaie, had great guitar skills. The bassist, Nov, practically kept the band in beat. Lastly, the drummer, U-Ya, was fantastic, even though he was only a support drummer. I met them when they were doing autographs after their concert and they were extremely nice. Even though we didn't talk, they smiled and I died. I met them again for another autograph session the next day and I almost fainted. They were such kind people. There was a Q&A session before the autograph session and they were hilarious. They definitely know how to keep an audience entertained. I know that in pictures, they're not really all that good-looking, but they are so attractive in real life. They even look amazing without make-up, since they didn't have any on during the second day. If they ever have a concert here again, I would totally go. I love their songs 'Sacrifice' and 'Lunartail'. I hope they do come back to Canada again. For a band that's only debuted this year, they have had over 5 releases. That is fucking crazy for a newly debuted band. I know they will make it huge. So I think I've ranted enough for today. Back to watching Code Geass for me. Suzaku, I LOVE YOU. (Refer to Code Geass characters.)

motivation

2010-07-23T22:34:00.006-04:00

A lot has happened over the past few weeks. I really don't have the motivation nor energy to even post on this anymore. I haven't even done the things I wanted to do this summer. As each day passes, my heart breaks a little. I've been feeling like shit the past few weeks. It's really killing me inside. Perhaps a link to the news article will clear things up:
http://www.mississauga.com/news/article/844159--family-mourns-teen-s-death

Honestly, I don't know how I feel anymore. I feel numb. I just don't have the heart to write anymore.
I will never forget you, so never forget us. Rest in Peace, Andrew Lao. I love you so much, little cousin. ♥

Andrew Lao ~ April 23, 1997 - July 3, 2010

please be okay

2010-07-04T14:47:00.004-04:00

It's almost been 24 hours since then. You haven't shown up. At all. I never thought this would ever happen. I really hope you're alright. You fucking idiot! What the fuck were you thinking? When I see you again, I'm going to beat you down into the ground. That's, if I see you again. There's this doubt in my mind that you're gone. Forever. But I don't want to believe it. I just hope you're okay and you'll be alright. I just know it. Please, God. Please let him be alright. Please let them find him and let him live. He's too young to leave us. He's been a good person. Please, just save him and have him come back to us. Please...

unexpected

2010-07-03T22:21:00.007-04:00

I'm rather surprised with how my day at my cottage was. Usually, it would be boring and detestable, but it was rather fun yesterday. When I first arrived there, it was around 3pm, since we left around 11:30am. This is how my cottage looks like from the back view. I was bored there at first. I watched 2 movies and finished them around 4:30-ish since I watched most of them during the car ride. I then decided to read The Choice. I read a bit, then decided to read some outside. After I read for a bit, I decided to go towards the campfire area, where most of my cousins were. We sat there and chatted for a while, then headed inside to eat. After we ate, we decided to just loft around. It was around 7-ish when we decided to bring out the fireworks. That ended in a complete failure. All the fireworks were pathetic. They were pretty much crap, but I did have a laugh. I still think it's a waste, though. They spent like, $13 on the set. After that, we decided to go boating. So my cousins and I took the bigger boat out. While we backed up and drifted away from the dock, we started the engine. As we were about to turn and head down the lake, the engine gave up. We were all confused and started looking for the problem. I suggested that seaweed could be stuck in the propeller, but they said they already checked and the engine still wasn't working. My cousins then decided to take out the paddles and paddle us back to the dock. My grandpa actually came towards us with the smaller boat to try to figure out what went wrong. After finding nothing, he decided to head back. Then, we decided to slowly paddle back. Oh my god. My cousin sucks at paddling. He was making random paddles and my other cousin and I were like 'facepalm'. So after we got to the dock, we found out that there really was seaweed that was stuck. I swear I told them that, but they didn't listen. Anyways, we got back in the boat and drove off. By the way, this was a motor-powered boat. We weren't really going all that fast, but I did take some amazing pictures. Honestly, I thought it was pretty surreal. The clouds were amazing. I loved the scenery there. I just wished I brought a camera. I had to take pictures with my phone, and the quality wasn't the best. So we decided to go back. After lofting for another half an hour, we decided to go home. It was around 8:30pm when we left and around 11pm when I got back. After I got home, I took a nice, long cool shower. When I got out, I let my hair airdry, while I watched another movie on my DSi. I watched Letters to Juliet, and it was amazing. I loved the concept of the movie, and it was the most adorable movie I think I have ever seen. After that I just played some games on my DSi and fell asleep. I just realized how different the air feels. At my cottage, the air feels cool and has a nice, relaxing feeling. Here, it's kind of stuffy and it got a lot hotter. That pretty much sums up my day, and below are a few pictures I took with my phone.

^ This is a back view of how my cottage looks like. ^

^ This is the place that we sat around, just chatting about. ^

^ This is the box of firecrackers that my cousins wasted money on. ^

^This is the boat we took. ^

^ This is when the more USEFUL cousin was paddling. ^

The picture of the surreal clouds are on my deviantART. Non of the pictures are photoshopped. They came right out of my phone.

cottage

2010-07-02T09:17:00.003-04:00

I guess it's that time of year. The time of year where I head over to my cottage for the day. I'm not really fond of that place. It's rather filthy and there's never anything to do there. It's not that the outdoors is boring, it's just inside my cottage is rather filthy, or my grandparents' cottage. As much as I love them, I believe they need to clean it better. I don't like moving around in there because it's kind of really disgusting. I like sitting in one spot because then, I won't have to dirty my feet/socks. This is why there's nothing to do. Either way, if it were clean, I would still be bored. I'm not allowed to go boat-riding since I don't have a boat driving license. Apparently, if I didn't, I would be charged. That's so absurd. I'm currently finding ways to entertain myself when I get there. So far, I have my DSi, iPod, my sketchbook, a notebook, 2 books, and laptop. Since I have the laptop with me, it won't be as boring. Hah. That's funny. There's no internet. So it's rather pointless to have the laptop with me. However, the laptop corresponds with my notebook. I write things down, and then type it up. I'm actually rather thankful for the cottage. Because of the cottage last year, I was able to gain an idea to write my Morimoto Ryutaro songfic. I'm trying to add movies to my DSi so I can watch them on the car ride there. It usually takes about 3 hours to get there on the high way, then another 30 minutes to get to the cottage. I also have my sketchbook. I love my sketchbook. I was having a rough time a couple of months ago, around new year's. I started drawing and it really helped me through it. I think my drawings really improved. A lot. I looked at the first few drawings I had. Wow. They were horrible. Now that I see my new drawings, I'm kind of proud. They look more professional and more realistic/anime-like. I'm happy. As for the two books, I have The Sign of Four by Arthur Conan Doyle. I love these Sherlock Holmes books. I read the first one, and I absolutely loved it. I totally spazzed about it at school, and everyone thought I was crazy. Haha. But enough about that. I also have Nicholas Sparks' The Choice. At first, I was going to buy The Last Song, but Miley Cyrus kind of ruined it. The movie was... not that great. I mean, the plot and everything was good, but her acting ruined it. I admit she's talented, but she's apparently a "role model" for little children. That's fucking ridiculous. Honestly, little kids look up to you. The way you dress is telling little kids to dress like a fucking stripper. I'm fucking surprised that she hasn't been bashed about those half-nude photos online. She's literally taking off her shirt and taking pictures of herself in her shower. How fucking stupid. People are saying she's generous and considerate. I don't see it. If she was generous, she would donate a lot of money to a variety of charities, instead of promoting herself and writing a book about herself. If she was considerate, she would consider all of her fans. Most of her fans are little kids. She knows this, yet she's still acting like a stripper. I don't really care what happens to her, but maybe if she changed and went back to being a more considerate and generous role model, more people would like her. I'm getting rather off-topic here. So yesterday, I finished a whole anime series in one day. A 25-long episode series doesn't take that long to finish. Each episode is about 20 minutes long. And I was really bored yesterday, even though it was Canada Day. The anime was so cute. It had such a bittersweet ending. I was happy about the ending, but at the same time, I wanted more. It's a rather cliche story though. But I still think people should watch it. It's called Itazura na Kiss. I find the main girl character to be such a devoted person. I really need someone to spazz to about things like this. I think I'm going to shop about in the town close to my cottage and see if there's anything I can use for my K-ON! cosplay, or any other cosplays. I'm getting rather really excited again.

canada day

2010-07-01T15:49:00.004-04:00

Last night at 11pm, there were fireworks. It wasn't even Canada Day yet and these people are already lighting up fireworks. But now that it's July 1st, aka Canada Day, it's quiet. No celebration, nothing. All I'm doing is sitting in front of my computer doing nothing. Actually, I was playing Maplestory about an hour ago. Oh my fucking god. It was so fucking boring. I cannot believe I was addicted to this game at one time. Actually, I think it's only because Maplestory has changed. A lot. I don't even know what's going on anymore. Everything is so confusing. The maps all changed, the quests are different; everything is different. I couldn't even find my training spot. I did find it, but it took me a while. I gave up after playing for an hour. That's how ridiculous everything is now. After I quit my lvl 53 fire mage, I made a sin. I played my sin last summer and got it to lvl 61, then quit because I got bored. I then started playing my sin during winter break and got it to lvl 68 in about a week. I got bored and quit. Again. Today, I tried lvling my sin to 70 for my third job, but I couldn't take it. I got my sin to 50% and then stopped. It actually started out at 40%, so I only gained 10% altogether. I'm rather sad that I can't even get a character to third job, but I just couldn't do it. Maybe if I still had some friends on and still play, I might be able to get it to lvl 69 or maybe even lvl 70. But I couldn't. All my online friends quit a while ago. My cousins are playing WoW, Dota, LoL, etc. My friends from real life are playing Maplestory Scania and Private Server. I'm the only loser that's still playing Windia. I'm rather pathetic. I don't even want to leave my house. That's how lazy I am. Most of my friends are not allowed to go anywhere, out of the country, or out of the city. This makes me sad. On the other hand, those bitches that I mentioned in my first post are also not here, which makes me happy. I think one of them is still here, but I'm trying my best to avoid that person. I don't want to talk about them, nor do I want to think about them. Anyways, I'm really bored at home. There's supposed to be some picnic this Saturday with some family friends (more like a huge group of people that I don't even know), but I don't want to go. The thing is, he'll be there. He is him. I don't want to see him. I want to forget him. I don't want to keep hurting myself for loving him. No matter what I do, he just doesn't see that I love him. I want to avoid him so I can forget him. Everytime I feel as if I don't love him anymore, I see him, talk with him, then I fall in love with him again. He's not the one I hurt myself for, but he is the one that makes me think about doing it again. I know, however, that I shouldn't do it again. Like I said in my other entry, it's 100% not worth it. Now that my mind is blank and I don't feel like doing anything, I think I'll catch up on some anime.

two months

2010-06-30T17:40:00.006-04:00

It is now officially summer vacation, seeing as how school is officially over for me even though I haven't been to school since exams ended last week. Damn. My report card is... really bad. This year was the worst year. And I even said I was going to work hard. I really did try this year... at the beginning. I tried for the first two weeks at the beginning of each semester, then gave up. I procrastinate and get distracted really easily. But I know that since next year is my last year, I will definitely work and try my best. I'm aiming for all 80-90's next year. Even though my English mark is in it's 70's, I'll aim for in the 80's this upcoming school year. Sad, huh? It's not my fault though. I was an ESL student when I was younger, and English is my third language. The only reason my English mark is this low is because of my essays. I don't edit them and I do them the night before, so all my essays are filled with bullshit. But I think some of my bullshiting isn't too bad, seeing as how I get 70-80's on them. Hopefully, I'll be able to prioritize my work over everything else, even... anime. ):I don't know how I'm going to live through senior year. I'll try my best though.

Now that it's officially summer, I plan to do many things. I need to:

- work out using the P90X guide/workout

- learn more piano pieces as well as learn piano pieces that I gave up on in the past

- improve my guitar skills

- improve my cooking skills

- make cosplay outfits

- catch up on some anime, manga, and dramas

- write more stories

I'm hoping to be able to write a few more one-shots for the HSJ guys. It's rather hard writing for them because they haven't really done anything ever since Mayonaka no Shadow Boy came out. They kind of just... died. Kind of like the rest of Johnny's Entertainment. HOWEVER, Arashi is still my number one and I still love them, especially Sakurai Sho♥ . I'm planning to start a story on Katekyo Hitman Reborn, but this time, I'm going to try and make it without any OC's. I want to try and make a yaoi couple. Not like those hardcore yaoi, but those cute, very soft, no sexual content, yaoi stories. I was totally inspired when two people I knew cosplayed as KHR characters at Anime North 2010. The guy was Hibari and the girl was Dino. It was cute :3. But the only complaint is that Dino is supposed to be taller than Hibari. When they cosplayed, Dino was shorter. Other than that, I found it inspiring. I'm still thinking on which couple to write about.

I also saw some people who made their own cosplays for conventions, and that really inspired me. I want to learn how to make my own cosplays as well. I only know the basics in sewing, so I'm hoping to be able to improve on that as well. I'm planning on making cosplay costumes and if they turn out well (hopefully they do), I'm going to have some friends try them on and have a photoshoot. I've always wanted to do that. And since this is my last year before university, I'm going to make the best of it by trying to add some skills to the list of things I can do, which is rather short. I'm really hoping my cosplays will turn out okay and that I would be able to have at least one photoshoot. I don't think I'll be able to wear these cosplays, seeing as how I'm rather self-conscious about my body. That's why I'll be working out this summer with the P90X. It's not the hardcore workout. It's the Lean workout. Apparently, it really works. So I'm hoping that I'll feel better about the way I look after this.

Lately, I've been listening to some classical piano music, and all I have to say is wow. I cannot believe there were such amazing pieces. Well, I knew there were great pieces, but I never knew these pieces were that amazing. I think I even teared up when listening to some of them. This also really inspired me to improve on my piano skills, namely sight-reading. My sight-reading sucks. I've been playing piano for about three years, and I don't even think I can sight-read grade one piano pieces without making a ton of mistakes. However, I was able to sight-read Canon in D Major by Pachelbel without making many mistakes. I was really proud of myself. I think this piece is one of my favourites. It has great dynamics and a melody that really soothes you. Whenever I'm having an off day, I just put this song on and I immediately relax. Along with improving my piano skills, I really want to improve on my guitar skills. The last time I really practiced guitar was last summer. I've been playing the guitar randomly throughout the year, but that was like, one song. Other than that, I haven't really done anything with the guitar. Everytime I play the guitar for a long time, my fingers start hurting because my callus is re-developing. It hurts. I just need to suck it up and start practicing again.

Hopefully by the end of my vacation, I'll be able to finish everything that's on my list. Last year, I planned on doing a shitload of things, but I got distracted by anime and dramas. I'm hoping that I'll be able to prioritize everything on my list and not get distracted. This will help me prioritize school work over everything else. I know that I have a lot planned for the summer, but I'm going to try my best to accomplish everything. Needless to say, I am so excited for everything that has yet to come.

regret

2010-06-28T18:10:00.000-04:00

I feel like shit. I can't open my eyes properly because of the intense waterworks that happened a few hours ago. I saw my reflection in the mirror today and all I can say is that I look like how I feel; like shit. Sometimes, I wonder what would happen if I were to inflict pain upon myself in the form of which is rather popular. Would it take away this heartache? No, it wouldn't. I know from past experiences that doing this is a complete waste. I completely regret how I did it in the past and I certainly do not want to do it again. But sometimes, I really have this strong urge to just bring it back out, slide the blade up, and press it down against my flesh. Does it really seem as if I'm twisted? Perhaps, maybe I'm just seeking for attention. I don't know what it is I am looking for by doing this. But I do know that I won't do it. It's not worth cutting yourself for friends or lovers because hurting yourself physically will only hurt your heart even more, causing painful regrets.

it won't stop

2010-06-28T10:05:00.000-04:00

I just said not even two hours ago that I was done with all of this. I'm laying in my bed at12:12am. It just keeps coming and coming. Why won't my tears stop falling?

caring

2010-06-27T22:52:00.000-04:00

I don't fucking care anymore. All this fucking bullshit is fucking draining. These so-called "friends" are all fake. At least to me they are. They act all nice and shit. Now, I know their true colours. They pretend to be your friend. I do so much shit for my friends. I cannot believe I wasted so much of my fucking life on these assholes. I acknowledge them as someone close. I knew they always left me out on things, with the occasional "get-together". But fuck. I cannot take anymore of this. Doing things behind my back, in a way, would hurt me less because most of the time, I don't know about them. But planning right in front of me. How stupid can they fucking get? Just stop. If you guys can't think of me as someone close, then don't include me into your little "group". Because honestly, I just don't fucking care. You people piss me off. I cannot wait to finish high school so I can get away from you all. I thought of you jackasses as people I could trust and turn to for help. But you guys are just like those fucking bitches that don't care for anyone but your circle. I can't take this anymore. I just want to finish high school and get the hell away from you guys. I've already sheded too many tears because of you all. I hope after high school, I will never see you guys ever again. I know my ranting is repetitive, but like I said in my profile, I'm going to let everything that I feel out on here. And for those that are reading this and think you're the ones I'm talking about, don't be mistaken. If you really were the people mentioned above, I would have stopped associating with you. Because of all the fucking shit I've been through because of those people, I'm not even going to bother with them anymore. Never again will I want to speak with them ever again.